Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Notes on revision, Essay 2
This draft lacks coherent and resonant focus. In its next iteration I will remove the parts in the supermarket and focus on the experiences in the car. I am not saying it will end up in this form, but I would like to try it out. I'll focus more on the physical sensations of the experience, and the emotional components, as well as the conversation and relationship between myself and my passenger, my cousin Mike. I didn't like my first draft too much. I put a lot of work into it, well, more work than I had put into my other draft at least, but it came out in a way that was unsatisfying to me. Like maybe it was more technically sound, but it lacked any heart, I think. So I want to correct that, most importantly. The thing I think I really struggle with is "aboutness." I can tell all these stories but making them focused and resonant is a serious challenge for me. Its hard to pick a thing that a story should be about, when its just a thing that happens in your life. Also, I have a fear of rambling and boring people, and I really worry that when I talk too much about myself that nobody is going to care and I'm going to alienate readers. So I'm going to try and get over that, but I'm also going to try and make my reflections concise and pertinent to a central topic in order to prevent my fears from coming true.
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So, I read your essay and wanted to look at what you wanted to revise with it to give you my best feedback. All in all, I like the piece. I got the understanding that you didn't understand what was going on. Why was this person so angry at you?! It didn't make sense to you or me as I read! I also like the kinda paranoia of was it him, was it her? I could feel what you are feeling. I also know the feel of a grocersory (this word fails me in terms of spelling) since I am a midnight shopper most of the time and I work at a grocery (AH it just doesn't make sense WHY IS THIS WORD SO DIFFICULT) store 2nd shift and leave midnight, so I know the tower of pallets visuals. Ok, back to real advice, I think you have to step outside yourself to write this essay. I felt like you wrote this not really thinking about the audience, not to sound harsh! It just felt like there were things you didn't feel like explaining because you knew them, however, us readers do not. For example, when you introduced Mike, you didn't say like my friend Mike or my cousin Mike, you just said Mike. I feel like I am rambling now. . . I'm going to end here, but I hope this helped somehow!
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